Item 1: Miracle Middle Eastern Haggis by Pastor John (to be worshipped; not edible). With Parsley!
(Notice: Item to be expected in stock before the U.S. Presidential Elections.)
Starting bid: Please be charitable
End time: End of Times
Post to: Non-axis of evil countries except Scottish Highlands (as item might be eaten).
Item location: Middle East
You can also: Be Patriotic in being Christian
Description:
Welcome bidders and Praise the Lord! We live in the most exciting and rapturous of times and that is why Luka the Ferret has taken pity on you non-believer, logic-loving, fact-searching sinners. Many tribulations has our furry friend gone through in order to bring to you this most divine item, courtesy of Pastor John. The most devoted shepherd has implored the Almighty to turn the Middle East into haggis (starting with Iran but the Zionist Entity not excluded if it refuses to be born again en masse!) in order to accelerate the establishment of His Kingdom on Earth. We can now rejoice in the comforting certainty that the Last Supper will soon be ready, as Pastor John has been busy touring the area and this way reminding the Lord of His Will – in case He has had second thoughts about a Second Coming.
Pastor John dances and prances for the Glory of the Lord in the streets of Jerusalem
Pastor Parsley prepares the cutlery for the Last Supper
Item 2
Starting bid: Willing to exchange for latest book in Left Behind series… will also consider dvd of final episode of Lost.
End time: Same as above (very soon)
Post to: Christian non-axis of evil countries with access to audio-visual equipment
Item location: High security undisclosed location
You can also: Watch this item and be born again
Description:
Behold sinner bidders! The Almighty has been paying attention to your relativistic non-neocon heresies and lack of faith and has decided to be a bit more specific about what he lovingly intends for His children.
Remember this yummy Divine Manifestation?:
How about this one?:
Did you not feel Grace descending on you as your stunned eyes contemplated the above most irrefutable appearance of the image of St. John the Baptist’s severed head?
One last introductory example:
The (non-catholic) Mother of our Saviour clearly decided to appeal to the teenage masses captivated by Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Saints and relatives of Jesus appearing here and there, you might think, are a pretty select group of Divinities. Well, not any more, as Our Lord and Saviour has had it that an image of blessed candidate John be spotted in the unlikeliest, yet most symbolic of places:
It is not coincidence that this phenomenological manifestation occurs in the midst of the Ram of Truth: the Voice that Speaks in the Desert also known as Fox News.
Praise the Lord!
